Fantasy Football Etiquette

I’m currently in first place in my fantasy football league.  My team name, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, is the VIG (pretty cool huh?). One of the best parts of these leagues is the trash talking.  Although, I should warn you, trash talking is an art form.  It cannot be taught or acquired, you must be born with it.  With that said, some guy ripped me today for the first time.  Can you believe that??? He is in last place, had a horrible draft, and filled his tirade with false facts and expletives. I am in first, have Randy Moss and T.O. on my team, and on pace for at least a top 2 finish (barring an huge upset in the playoffs).  I responded with the truth, and a couple of personal jabs.  Below is the post, but before you read it, there are a couple of rules you should know when talking the talk in your league: (1) don’t cuss like a moron, as that is a sign of weakness. (2) don’t talk trash to someone who is beating you, as he will have the last laugh, and (3) if you are going to point out facts, make sure they are just that and not falsities, and most importantly (4) when you post, make sure you knock ‘em out with it. Don’t put up some weak stuff, it’s worse than putting up nothing at all. With that said, enjoy my rip into Mr. Last Place.  Maybe one day you too can be lucky enough to fall victim to my verbal lashing.  His post is up first, identify the mistakes and make sure you don’t do the same.

From the N-Train 

Shut the Fuck up.
Not everybody in this league eats, sleeps, shits fantasy football.
I can just see you every sunday watching every minute of every game so that you can jump on any hot players band wagon…
Yes you are in first. But you are in last in trash talking.
We have an inverse relationship SUIT.

Now here is my response, learn from it, I’ll even allow you to use it as long as I get props…

Ms. Nancy Train, have someone that can read English translate for you.

First: I haven’t picked up a player on Sunday or Monday all year, so get your s@#! straight before you start poppin off.
Second: You are correct, I watch football on Sundays. I guess we should have taken your lead and foolishly played a game where we knew nothing about the sport. My bad.I got an idea for you, stick to what you know, fantasy crochet (that’s pronounced crowshay.)
Third: How much does coming in first for trash talking pay? I think I can at least come in third in that category, will that get me my money back?
Fourth: You are a moron. I watched quietly all year as you made an ass out of yourself by posting stupid remarks.
Fifth: Does cussing make you feel manlier? I bet you were one of those kids that wasn’t aloud to cuss at home, until you moved out at the ripe age of 37.
Sixth: We don’t have a relationship, please don’t make that mistake.

I’m not done with you yet. There’s more. Let me tell you why you are in last place:
1) You are an idot. I don’t think I need to explain, as this isn’t the first time someone in your life has called you that. Don’t disagree, the truth hurts.
2) Your first pick of the draft was Maroney, a guy with 6 tds last year. Were you thinking he was going to have a career year and finish of with say…9. That I could understand (that’s online sarcasm by the way).
3) You couldn’t even successfully collude with X.

With that said, I want you to shut your trap and not speak for the rest of the season. Playoff time has come, and it’s time to put the women to sleep. But hey, coming in last place will get you a #1 draft pick for the 2008 season. Can you hear me all the way in last??? Helloooo, is anyone there. Nope, looks like the lights are off upstairs.

Love

The Vig

Please, no applauding, it’s a dirty job but somebody’s gotta do it.